WEEK 7 -- STEP FOUR
This week we
consider Step Four. The section in the Big Book is from the bottom of page 63
to then end of the chapter How it Works. It describes the process by which we
take inventory of all our resentments, our sexual conduct and fears. If the
following all seems very complicated, don�t worry. Your sponsor will be of
great help in explaining things.
What is a moral inventory? The Big Book explains that we must make a list that includes all our resentments, an account
of sexual conduct and our fears.
This is a complicated step and
there is too much information for a single talk. So we have split it up into
two. This is the second of these Step Four talks. Last week we considered what
resentments are and how we analyse them in our moral inventory. We showed how
to put each one down in columns and how the final column holds the key. It
describes the defects of character that are responsible for the way we feel.
This week we will consider how we should write down our sexual conduct and fears.
First, Sexual conduct
The Big Book tells us on page 69 that we all have sex problems and that we wouldn�t be human if we
didn�t. Nevertheless, some people may wonder why it is necessary to examine our
sex conduct in order to get over alcoholism. First reason is that many of us
have feelings of guilt and shame connected with past conduct and with thoughts
that run through our heads in connection with sex. Guilt and shame are
resentments against ourselves and so we must write these down as we do other resentments
as part of our step 4. We are told on page 75 that we must illuminate every
dark cranny of the past and reveal each one to a trusted person in order to get
over our drinking. We are also given the good news: that as result of this
process we can finally look the world in the eye.
�However, we must go further still. Even if we initially feel no guilt or shame, we must
look for those occasions when, as the Big Book says, �we had been selfish,
dishonest, or inconsiderate; hurtful � and where we had aroused jealousy,
bitterness and suspicion.�� We had to be thorough here too. In fact we are
told that we must subject each relation (that is, each sexual act) to this
test. We had to be as fearless and thorough about this part of our moral
inventory as any other. We start looking at past behaviour in a new light. Did
we use someone� for sex? If so, it is selfish. The fact that the other person
willingly goes along with the arrangement does not necessarily alter the fact
that it is selfish. It might be a case of two people cynically using each
other. Even if we couldn�t say that our conduct was selfish, we had to ask
ourselves was it even inconsiderate? Here�s another situation: in
heterosexual sex whatever precautions are taken, there is always some chance of
the creation of human life. We had to be considerate, in line with what the Big
Book tells us, and consider whether or not we would behave lovingly or
selfishly towards that newly created human life?
Later on, as part of Step 5, we give an account of our
secret thoughts to our sponsors. Many revealed things to our sponsors that we
had never told anyone before. (This is applicable also to all our darkest
thoughts, not just those of a sexual nature). To be told that nobody can help
the thoughts that pop into their heads and to discover that we were not the
only ones who think like this is a great relief. In fact despite all that we
had revealed, many of us were told that we were just �pretty average
alcoholics�.
It is through this process
that we have started to look at our past sex conduct in a new light, and we can
start to form an idea of what will be the best approach in our future sex
conduct � the book calls this a sane and sound ideal. We must be prepared to
try to work towards this ideal in the future. We can rest easy that however
many times we fall short, as long as we continue to try, we will not drink.
However, if we are not prepared at least to try to change, and our sex conduct
continues to harm others, we are told categorically that we are quite sure to
drink. This warning tells us why this part of our inventory is so important.
We are told that counsel with persons is often desirable
here and we found our sponsors invaluable in directing us to these questions in
accordance with what the Big Book says and helping us to analyse each situation
properly. We were inclined to hide bad motive behind good in this area more
than any other and an objective viewpoint from our sponsors helped us to cut
through that. In the final analysis though, each individual must answer these
questions honestly for themselves. We sometimes hear that no one can judge our
sex situation, but in fact this is not quite true and we are not left
completely to ourselves. The Big Book tells us that there is a judge:
God. As the book says: God alone can judge our sex situation.
Now,Fears
Fears come into two
categories: self-centred fears, which are fears about life and affect our
ambitions and our security; and phobic fears, which are irrational fears of
death and physical pain and do not involve defects of character.
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Self-centred fears [now
hold up the diagram below]: many of these will be dealt with anyway in our
resentments. For example if I have a resentment against my boss for shouting at
me, I will have dealt with this in the normal way as a resentment, but there
is, in fact, fear about my job security involved as well. Some self-centred
fears will not have a person associated with them � if I just have a fear of
losing my job, there might not be anybody to put into the first column.
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I just worry
that I will lose my job and not be able to pay my mortgage off
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Pride,
self-pity, self-centredness, greed, dishonesty
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Phobic fears such as
spiders, catching cancer, heights, crowds and so on, are simply listed. In
order to be completely thorough, we added the ultimate source of each
particular fear. Is it, for example, fear of death, fear of extreme physical
pain or fear of hell? As the Big Book says: �We reviewed our fears
thoroughly. We put them down on paper, even if we had no resentment in
connection with them.� {p68}
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Fear
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I am afraid of
catching cancer � physical pain and death (hell)
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I am afraid of
heights � I am scared that I will fall or jump and then will die � death
(hell)
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One final point:
there is no significance in the order that fears, resentments and details of
our sexual conduct actually go down. We are not looking for any patterns regarding the resentments other
than the fact that they are all down to defects of character � this is not a
psychological process. Neither is it a process of the subconscious, but one of
the conscious memory. If you remember it, write it down. If you can�t remember
it, you can�t write it down.
That is the end of
the talk for this week. Now XXXXXX will speak for about 15 minutes, telling us
in a general way, what it was like, what happened and what it�s like now.